The earth is so soft , no one ever tells you that , not until your hands are dug into the soil budrended to stay in its womb when your body is urging you to leave . Only because ; it’s suffering . I wish I could recall my childhood but I only remember certain memories . I feel like they aren't mine though , maybe they belong to someone else ? I don’t know . My ears are ringing , why does the sensation feel like pain ? turn it off . Stop . Please-
“ Hey dork , you good ? “
He tilted his head with curiosity apparent , his pretty eyes finding my nervousness adorable , my face on fire and immediately turned away from him . But it’s like I can feel his gaze soften on me , he extends his arm and I didn’t even feel his hand on the side of my cheek comforting me either , his thumb brushed over my cheekbone with my eyes slowly closing a hot tear ran down my cheek and pillowed his thumb that brushed it away .
“ Please don’t punish me , is it those dreams again ? “
My eyes maybe irritated and red but they looked into his genuine warmth with softness ,
“ I genuinely feel like I’ve lived my life before , I know you’re tired of me talking about them , but they’re so vivid . Like I was there in that moment just in someone else's body ? I never came to realize that you were in love with me either . You bent all your rules to make sure I was happy and you made sure I felt safe . “
I pause , am I crying again ? my heart is heavy like I’m grieving him , why ? He’s in front of me . It’s so difficult to talk , why ? God , why did I think it was a good idea to stop taking my meds ? This would’ve never happened if . . . What ? But I don’t understand . And it’s like he vanished , black ink was found on my hands , maybe I busted my pen and he left to get me a handkerchief ? I stupidly and subconsciously wiped my hands on my sleeve , my heart fell , my eyes went wide because of this . This isn’t ink , this is my house , so why can’t I recall being here before . Fuck , I’m so damn scared , I shut my eyes really hard squeezing them so hard that I can see green and blue spots . I open them and suddenly I am in a white room , I called out in anger and frantically threaten the footsteps I hear now approaching me ,
“ Stay away ! Did you kill him ? ! What- “
My tears silenced me , then there was this person , this angel . They walked over . I was too weak to push them away , everything in the room was hard to tell the difference from , everything in this room had the same shade of white especially any furniture of any kind . And , whatever they’d been wearing had the same color and pulled me into a hug , I tried pushing them off but I knew in my heart they mean me no harm and like honey from a tree in a hickory forest of lush leaves and a cold calming breeze the color of pure thick golden fell onto a broken and breaking leaf . Their words were allowed in my walls and held the source of my grief , my poor heart , it’d been given the sweet feeling of being treated like that honey on that leaf that brought the bough of that tree’s attention to it . But what was said next broke me beyond repair ,
“ I will recognize you in this life and the next . You’re my soulmate , my stopping point , and I am so sorry that getting to you meant you were torn away from your life . Dork . “
That hug tightened around him and I screamed like someone was killing me , hot tears spilled quickly , a soft sigh as if my last breath to say goodbye to that life was taken . All my fears began to melt away , I want to be here , in your arms and in your space . As you are my air , my body and my house , you are everything I need all rolled up into one . You are mine and I am yours , our souls are intertwined and I don’t fear my death , had it means , you’d know my scent even then .